The Remainder of My Week of Hell: Things Can Only Get Better

The other big frustration I had to deal with last week was the overwhelming sense of withdraw I went through as my new laptop was temporarily de-commissioned.

I am a creature of habit. I have certain things I need on me al all times (or at least access to). I like things to be in the same place twice (preferably regularly) and like things stacked in neat little piles where I can find them. I'm not anal-retentive, OCD, or maniacal about order, but I like to be able to accomplish my tasks quickly and efficiently.

As said creature of habit, I always need the following things on me at all times or I feel absolutely naked:

• My Cell Phone (I get calls for quartet gigs, need to be available to handle emergencies with the kids, coordinate the schedule of my insane life, and able to be told what to pick up from the store on the way in from work)
• My Wallet (Gotta have the cash or cards to PAY for the aforementioned stuff from the store, not to mention be legal to drive to and from it)
• My Keys
• My Watch
• My pocket multi-tool and/or pocket knife
• And now my newest mandatory accoutrement – My Laptop.

If I am without any of these, I am at loose ends and feel as vulnerable as a squirrel thrown into a shark tank.

Lately, the laptop has become more and more an integral part of my daily life. I connect with friends via e-mail and IM constantly, as I have little to no time to meet with anyone socially. I work on pet projects in my scant spare moments, such as music arrangements, blogs, and music, photo and video editing. My laptop has become the only way I can get any of my favorite things done, as scheduling time to sit and do them for long stretches at a desktop pc are ridiculously rare. Not to mention…my laptop is new and fairly speedy (well, NOW it is, anyway).

My only complaint about my laptop had been that is was preinstalled with Fucking Windows Vista. That is how I refer to it always, now: "Fucking Windows Vista". If you have any option, NEVER get Fucking Windows Vista. While it isn't particularly hard to learn or much different that XP in many ways – it even looks a bit cooler – it drives like a Sherman tank. I had half a gig of RAM in my computer and it took nearly 4 minutes to completely boot up. Applications ran slower than snail shit. Worst of all, most of the programs I had become accustomed to simply would not work with it at all.

While I was able to get the OS working a bit faster by buying another gig of RAM (to the tune of about $75), it still wouldn't run most of my handier programs and was extremely buggy with most new peripherals I purchased, if it worked at all.

A while back, a friend of mine mentioned that a friend of his was able to play with Mac OS X and, through some Linux magic, get it to work on certain PCs. This, I figured, would solve all of my problems. I managed to get a hold of one of these "Holy Grail of PCdom" discs, bought a bigger hard drive (just for the hell of it) and attempted to install it on my laptop. Sadly, but not wholly unexpectedly, it didn't quite work. Some driver for the monitor or something else it didn't like. Well, waddya expect for a Frankenstein attempt to stitch together 2 different systems and a computer made up of HP's leftovers.

"Oh well," I figured, "Guess I just throw XP on this new big drive and go to town with that. It won't be Mac OS X, but it'll be a damned sight better than Fucking Vista."

So I format the drive with the Mac program to the proper NTSC format and pop in an old XP disc from one of the defunct and butchered computers here at work.

Funny thing about Windows: anything that should be nice and simple, rarely is.

It wouldn't recognize the hard drive – at all. I figured maybe I had goofed it up by trying the Mac OS thing, and being it was an "open box" purchase, I returned it to the store and paid the extra $15 for a new one. Popped it in…nothin'. Windows STILL didn't recognize even a fresh new drive.

Finally, in utter frustration, I returned the new drive for a refund, backed up all of my files and programs from my old, smaller drive and formatted it, figuring it MUST be able to recognize the drive it CAME with. Popped the XP disc in…nothin'.

Most people don't consider me particularly mechanically inclined. I disagree. I can fix most anything mechanical or hardware related on most things. I can put most things together without directions, and even do so with no "extra" parts leftover. I know when I'm licked and when to get out the directions and ask for help, usually before I destroy something. I have a very analytical mind with great spatial perception. However, when you start talking formulas, math, and especially software configuration – I either study and research or go to the pros.

I started Googling like mad to try and figure out why the HELL Windows wouldn't recognize my drive. Everything I read said you just pop in the disc, it formats the drive and ya go. I finally got to the point where I Googled the make and model of the drive. "A-HA! Windows doesn't like SATA/SCSI drives!"

I then found several pages detailing how to manually put the driver on FOR Windows.

I went through step by step until I got to the last one: "put the files on a floppy disc and insert it into your floppy drive when prompted"

Floppy drive? FLOPPY DRIVE!!?? Who the HELL uses a floppy drive anymore!!!!???? I have a laptop!

"Okay. My work computer has the same kind of drive. I switch the hard drives, popped the XP disc in and…where's the floppy drive? Fuck!"

"Okay no problem. There are about 4 or 5 floppy drives in defunct computers around the office. Here's one! I'll just connect… Fuck! Not a SCSI drive. Wait…NONE of these are SCSI drives!"

"Okay...deep breath…Nooo need to panic. I'll just re-install Fucking Vista with…FUUUUCK! They don't provide install discs anymore!"

So, I take it to the nearest Computer Builder's Warehouse, hand them the XP disc and hard drive driver files on my jump drive and explain the problem.

"We can install it for $65, but you'll need a license. That's $125, extra"

Leave it to Microsoft…$190 to DOWNGRADE their software.

At this point, I'm ready to either clear a spot on my wall and hunt down Bill Gates for a trophy, or pull an 'Office Space', and drive the laptop to an empty field to pummel it with a baseball bat. This was rock bottom. It could only get better from here.

Deep breath…regroup…rethink.

I go back to work and peel the license for XP off the scavenged shell of the old computer, stick it neatly on my laptop just underneath the Fucking Vista license, and head back the next day.

I walk up, plop the computer and all the necessary accessories on the counter with a THUMP.

"There. Laptop, power cord, license, drivers. Drop the install to $55"

"Done. See you in 3 days"

Three days later, I walk in the store. This, of course, after 3 calls to them that day sounding like a kid in the back seat prodding, "Are we there yet?" He opens the computer and I hear the familiar chime of XP, like a chorus of angels taking flight…

…Ah…No more Fucking Vista!

After a week and a half, 4 trips to MicroCenter, 4 trips to Computer Builder's Warehouse, several hours spent Googling for solutions, and dozens of hours spent ripping open and arguing aloud with my computer, I'm finally HOME.

Then it occurred to me. I'm thrilled to have Windows XP? I'm actually THRILLED to go back to a clunky and unreliable OS that's 5 years old?! Leave it to Fucking Windows to find a way to make you BLISSFULLY GRATEFUL for XP!

Damn you, Bill Gates! DAAAAMN YOUUUUU!

The next 3 days were spent installing all of my favorite (or at least, most used) programs: Trillian, Firefox, Finale, MSOffice, Media Player 11, MySpace IM, Cool Edit Pro, my new PCTV toy, and a few games – ya know – for the kids.

So now, here I sit. The sun's warm orange glow is casting longer shadows into a beautiful cool evening, and I'm sitting comfortably at my patio set in the backyard, watching the kids play in the 10' inflatable pool, as I type – happily blogging again.

Life has gotten much better. I love my laptop again. :)

My Week of Hell: Part 1 - Sorrow...

Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last real blog…

For the last two weeks I feel like I've been trapped in an updated, Midwestern version of a bad Country/Western song. There has been a laundry list of woes, ranging from minor annoyance to true sorrow, that I honestly should have written about so as to reflect on them for deeper meaning later, however time and circumstances forbade such documenting. I'm going to try and go through the ones I can remember now, but I'm sure I'll leave a few out either due to memory lapses (getting old sucks) or privacy and decorum. The first will likely take up an entire blog. I'll get to the rest later.

Under the category of true sorrow, my wonderful cat and ever-vigilant friend for the past 15 years, my cat Tassie, was laid to rest last week.

She had been fighting a urinary tract infection since about January. She had increasing instances of incontinence and would 'leak' wherever she laid down for more than a few minutes. She began to smell constantly and required regular baths, which she wasn't fond of, but patiently tolerated. She couldn't sit or lie down comfortably, could barely walk, and was in extreme pain by the end. After several trips to the vet and 4 runs of antibiotics of increasing strength over the past several months, it had gotten so bad that she was actually infested with (hold down your lunch here) maggots.

Euthanasia is never a decision I have been able to come to lightly, as it shouldn't, but the thought of her suffering any longer just to placate my own emotional weakness was excruciating. I would have been able to tolerate the smelly house and constant cleaning (which Sonya, bless her heart, usually did while I worked my 2 jobs), if she had any prospect of recovering or showed no signs of pain.

She has always been there for me in the worst of times to snuggle with me, offer a soothing loud purr, and soft fur to pet and center me. I recall when I spent a few months with my dad in Jersey after high school, she would scratch at my door every night as I went to bed, demanding entrance. I'd open the door, and she'd dart past me and hop on the bed. I would climb in and she would get up, burrow under the sheets and re-emerge, placing her head on the pillow next to me, purring with the ferocity of a 72 Mustang.

She had big, soulful eyes and youthful face and demeanor that always cheered me up. She was a precocious and wily kitten, and an elegant and matronly adult, and absolutely wonderful with my children. She would never let anyone sleep alone if they were blue, angry, or otherwise distraught. My kids would always request her to be in the room at bedtime, and she would almost always oblige.

She became the adoptive mother/grandmother to our other two cats, Praxis & Lil' Bit (mother and daughter) and assisted in childcare duties when they each had their litters. They, while being obnoxious young upstarts, still always treated her with the proper love and respect she provided them and was owed herself, always moving out of the way as she approached the food and/or water dishes, preening and cleaning each other, and snuggling in comfy spots with her.

She was generous to a fault, frequently trying to help provide for the family by bringing home "meals" of small birds, rodents, and large insects of all kinds, frequently standing proudly next to her offerings as if to say, "Take a rest, my friend. I'll take care of dinner tonight."

She was always loving, never mean or moody, and melted the hearts of anyone she approached, which inevitably started with the most allergic. She wasn't exactly a lap cat, opting to lie down next to people and be petted on what seemed to be her own terms, maintaining that regal air of feline indifference, yet offering social and loving interaction by eagerly responding when summoned.

Tassie was the epitome of a loving cat, while keeping a modicum of her stereotypical aloofness. She was, in my opinion, the perfect pet: low maintenance, loving, and loyal.

I will miss her dearly and can't imagine her being replaced by anyone – human or beast.

God speed, Tassie. I'll see you someday and miss you every second until then.

Coming up next: "The Remainder of My Week of Hell: Things Can Only Get Better"

100 Things About Me...

A friend of a friend of mine posted her 100th blog and made a list of 100 things about her. Seemed like a good idea and better than a canned survey. Managed to fill the occasional drab moments of the workday over the past 5 hours. 100 things about yourself (without getting too explicit) ain't as easy as it may seem!

Most of this is WAY more than you ever wanted to know about me, and some of it a bit deeper and more thought provoking than I had intended or expected this would be.

Here goes:

1. I'm a sucker for really good beer.
2. I'm very ticklish.
3. I actually LOVE my crappy-paying job.
4. The job that pays the bills – not so much.
5. I'm an extremely articulate writer, but in person I tend to have a slower wit and I stammer.
6. I plan out conversations and witty retorts in my head ahead of time to compensate for #5.
7. I am completely reliant on the "spell check" feature on my computer.
8. I wish my first and middle names were reversed.
9. For those that are curious: knit boxers.
10. Among non-musicians and less serious musicians, I love feeling like a genius, but if you get me amongst professionals, I'm an idiot and a coward.
11. I am a social liberal but economic conservative.
12. I'm becoming more jaded as I grow older, #10 being the first, but hopefully last step.
13. To most that know me, I'm a very giving and kind person. For those that know me well or live(d) with me, I can be a real selfish bastard.
14. I cannot STAND holes ANYWHERE in my socks.
15. For those that didn't know: The Red Chucks I wear are a tribute to my favorite drum corps of all time, the Velvet Knights from Anaheim, CA. Plus they're just comfy as hell.
16. I love how I look in a suit, but generally dislike wearing them. Hence, I only own 1 (plus a tux for concerts).
17. When wearing a suit, I will only wear athletic socks. If necessary, under dress socks.
18. I'm generally opposed to cosmetic surgery, but there is a thing or two I'd have done, myself.
19. I'm a dichotomy (there ya go, Kel) of egotism and severe self-consciousness regarding my appearance.
20. I require constant validation regarding things I take pride in. If I don't get it, I fish for compliments. (This includes my blogs, so please comment freely and frequently.)
21. I am great with faces but absolutely HORRIBLE with names.
22. If I didn't have to work anymore, "…I would sit on my ass all day. I would do…nothing".
23. I quote movies WAY too much.
24. I have an annoying habit of quoting along with movies, usually missing a word or two or messing up the timing, much to the annoyance of those around me.
25. I, on occasion, pick my nose.
26. I'm addicted to what is often considered to be the "junk food" forms of classier genres of music. I.E. drum corps, marching bands, barbershop, showtunes, parodies, movie scores, etc.
27. Aside from occasional bouts of depression that last for a couple days, I'm usually a VERY optimistic person.
28. I'm not very trusting, but extremely gullible.
29. My childhood could have filled an entire Jerry Springer SEASON, yet my sister and I are surprisingly well adjusted…for the most part.
30. I love my family and friends, but have a tendency to take them for granted too much.
31. Most (but not all) of my nobler decisions, charity, and helpful nature aren't founded in altruism, but fear of consequences, getting caught, or ego gratification.
32. My brain can suck up useless trivia like a sponge, but useful facts, dates, and pertinent information leaks through like a sieve. Oh well, usually get me ten cents off my coffee at Caribou.
33. Every time I think I'm the biggest geek in the world and take pride in it, another BIGGER geek comes along.
34. In 7^th & 8^th grades I wanted to work for Will Vinton Studios and design Claymation sculptures like the Noid & California Raisins for a living.
35. I immerse myself in projects, chores and work to distract me when I'm angry, anxious, or depressed.
36. I have lost the ability to relax during the day. If I'm not earning money or being productive, I get antsy.
37. #36 becomes invalid past 9pm or so. Then, it's usually Couch Potato time, if possible.
38. I cannot complete a blog in 1 sitting, generally. I write and edit it over several hours or days. So far this one is going on about 3 hours at work, and I'm only about 1/3 done.
39. I fear and resist change, but am capable of overcoming that fear it if the fruits of change are sweet enough.
40. I have never been to a Star Trek, Sci-Fi, or Comic Book convention, but DESPERATELY want to attend one – SOON!
41. Singing in a good barbershop quartet is one of my greatest joys.
42. I've been able to sing with 3 world champion quartets so far, in informal situations: Power Play, Gotcha!, and Vocal Spectrum.
43. My dream job would be either doing voice-overs, marching drill design, or music arranging. Something relatively high-paying, creative, and able to do from home.
44. The best hourly pay I have ever received has been singing with my quartet. Now if only we could get 20-30 gigs a week…
45. I have had a crush on Alyssa Milano since I was 12. I had clippings from Tiger Beat and other teen rags of her all over my wall.
46. I HATE Justin Timberlake on sheer principle. See #45.
47. If I could be any celebrity, I'd be Wil Smith. I want those looks with that wit, talent, and charm. The money would be nice, too. He can keep Jada.
48. I cannot imagine being at any point in my life where I would not have ANYONE who would help me recover. That thought has saved me several times.
49. I usually can't sulk for more than 2 days at a time, consistently. At some point I just get bored and work my way through depression by sheer determination.
50. Being half way done with a project always helps motivate me to finish.
51. I once ran so fast, I actually thought I was flying.
52. I'm an excellent salesman, but the thought of relying on my sales skills for my livelihood scares the hell out of me – especially now, in this economy.
53. I react to emotional manipulation VERY badly. Guilt trips and orders rarely work with me.
54. Reverse psychology, on the other hand, works very well on me. I have to think something was MY idea for me to thoroughly enjoy it.
55. I derive much of my total self-esteem from making others happy.
56. I love Venice Beach, but could never live in California.
57. I love the west coast of Ireland, but could (probably) never live there, either.
58. If I could be any age again, I'd probably be 19 or 20.
59. I feel absolutely naked without my cell phone, my watch, my wallet, my keys, and now my laptop – whether I need them or not.
60. I cannot keep the same hairstyle or facial hairstyle for a full year. At some point, usually either in the dead of winter or hottest part of the summer, I'll grow either or both out or shave them.
61. I usually go back to the same hairstyle for most of the year.
62. I'm an electronic gizmo junkie.
63. I'm fairly mechanically intuitive, but numbers and mathematically related things frustrate, confuse, and/or bore me.
64. I developed my wit and vocabulary as a result of being bullied.
65. I once talked my way out of being pummeled by a bully by using words he didn't understand and either emasculating him intellectually or just plain confusing him.
66. I was in the best shape of my life between the ages of 16 and 21.
67. I marched drum corps every summer between the ages of 16 & 21. Coincidence? I think NOT!
68. I still find Sonya every bit as attractive now as the day I first saw her.
69. I find myself more attractive now than when I first met Sonya, but not as attractive as I was a year later (after my first summer of drum corps).
70. Our kids have our best physical features, and I think at times, a few of our worst emotional traits.
71. I would do anything for my family.
72. My car is my locker, my home away from home, and my fortress of solitude. No matter how crappy my car at the time may be, I'm very possessive about who drives it.
73. I miss my Tassie Cat.
74. I miss my grandma.
75. I cannot think in a messy environment.
76. I go through cleaning blitzes about once every 2 weeks, but am generally a very sloppy person.
77. I despise indecisiveness – especially in myself.
78. I hate redundancy. ("Dija GET that memo?")
79. I LOVE the smell and sight of lilacs.
80. The scent of diesel fumes and fresh cut grass sends me into silent reverie and reminiscence.
81. I consider myself a "friend of the family".
82. I am poor in possessions and material wealth, but rich in meaningful blessings. It would be nice to have a LITTLE material wealth, though!
83. I NEED a bigger house with my own office/music room.
84. I would generally pay more for convenience than delay gratification to save money – to a reasonable extent.
85. I have never had the time to teach myself guitar, but I plan to.
86. My ukulele is the most fun musical instrument I have ever owned.
87. It amazes me and confuses me how many people are impressed with my ukulele and my playing thereof.
88. I have unfair and unjustified subconscious prejudices, but I try to acknowledge them and react properly and respectfully despite them. I'm usually successful, but not always.
89. I will continue to punch new holes in my old belt until I hit under 200 lbs. Maybe longer.
90. If I had an extra hour and a half a day to exercise (including prep and subsequent shower), I would.
91. The only time I can stand being sweaty is during band camps or intentionally exercising.
92. I would be a much better band director than many (but not all) of those I have worked for, in many, if not most, respects.
93. I have several close friends of whom I am DEEPLY jealous of their creativity (musically, artistically, and literarily).
94. I have other close friends of whom I am DEEPLY jealous of their freedom (financially, responsibility-wise, and schedule-wise).
95. Many of these are one and the same.
96. I make a point to try and tell my heroes that they are such, preferably before they die.
97. I will not pay more than $10 for a pair of sunglasses (before tax).
98. I need to get an eye exam and some regular eyeglasses. Getting old sucks.
99. I admire and enjoy watching clever commercials.
100. I am obsessed with pop culture of all eras.

Fleeing the country...

Every year, on this country's two most patriotic holidays (Memorial Day & Independence Day) I do the most patriotic thing I can think of...I leave the country.

Ever since I started dating Sonya over a decade and a half ago, we, with her family have taken the summer holidays to leave the chaos, frenzy, and monotonous cacophony of angry voices to retreat to the peace and quiet of their cottage in Canada on Lake Erie. Her family has had this cottage for roughly 60 years, with little change to it in that time. Same books, same toys, same furniture - maybe a couple new appliances, but still no microwave.

I have never been a huge fan of it. Not the timing and "deserting" my homeland durring it's most important celebrations of its supposed virtues, mind you. As I've gotten older and more jaded as to this country's direction, making a hasty retreat to what is basically a Disneyvision utopia of what America tries to present itself as is a welcome chance to clear the ideological palette. The trouble is that I just get...well...BORED there!

Set-up of the cottage is a 2-day effort, minimum. This isn't exactly "Swiss Family Ferris" without a single lux-u-ry, but it's more rustic than my McD's-drive-thru-hittin', DVD-watchin', chattin'-on-the-internet-addcited, creature-comfort-lovin' self can handle for long stretches. There's the process of priming the pump for the well water, lifting the shudders, cleaning the place, searching fer critters, vacating of spiders, patching of screens, sweeping out of the dust and sand, and cleaning of - well - everything. And this is assuming the power, plumbing, and phone actually work and haven't somehow been damaged over the winter months. I get too few days off as it is, and most of those I often spend doing chores at home. I don't want to go and clean ANOTHER house in another counrty on my day off! To be fair, Sonya's brother and/or parents usually do most of the work, leaving just a few minor chores, if any, for us - most of the time. Such was the case this past Memorial Day.

I just spent the past 15 minutes writing about the details of the day at the cottage, but no one wants the minute-by-minute. That's not what I planned on writing about anyway. My point is to be the slight and subtle shift in my opinion of the cottage over the years.

I have never been a "outdoorsey" person. I sunburn easily, am a magnet for biting insects of all kinds, and MUST have a hot shower first thing in the morning or I'm a grouch all day. I relax by watching TV, playing video games, or playing on the internet. When we started going to the cottage, there were none of these amenities. The only things there were to do were swimming (Lake Erie ain't exactly the crystal blue waters of a chlorinated pool), play on the beach (sand getting into every single crevice - yay), and drink (which wasn't technically an option for the first 3 years I went). Hence, I went so Sonya could have fun with those things, hang with her family, and indulge in all of her childhood nostalgia.

As time has gone by, there has been a compromise between the cabin and myself. I have taken to reading for pleasure much more, and the cabin is a wonderful place to read. Sonya's parents have often brought along a small TV/VCR combo and a CD player, breaking the boredom for some Rocky & Bullwinkle, Woody Allen flick, or some classical music for Sonya's father and I to start analyzing and exchanging trivia about.

Now with the ability to bring my laptop, I can write, arrange music, play some video games, watch a DVD, all the stuff I enjoy relaxing with. Funny part is, I don't spend nearly as much time with those "creature comforts" as I though I would. I find myself on the shore of Lake Erie teaching my son to skip stones, walking with my daughter and inspecting the stones and shells at the water's edge, sitting on a picnic table on the beach chatting with the in-laws and neighbors about the kids, politics, and life, and reading a good book on the porch.

The cottage and I have reached an accord. I am allowed my creature comforts, as long as I take the time to appreciate my family and relax the old fashioned way at least a little while I am there. An amicable compromise, and it's leading me to an appreciation of the peace and solitude of the cottage.

If only it were as easy for world leaders to reach such a compromise...

My OWN damned survey!

I posted this in a MySpace bulletin, but didn't answer the questions myself, so, quid pro quo, I shall do so here. I dunno - seemed like a blogworthy thing to do. I've read worse... Paul
------------------------------------------
Okay, I'm tired of these canned surveys. I'm making one of my own...

Paul

1) If you were a soft drink, which would you be?
Mr. Pibb. A bit too sweet and bubbly to appeal to most, interesting and flavorful, but not as pretentious as Dr. Pepper...that smug bastard.

2) When was the first time you remember getting busted for telling a lie?
My mom asked me at age 4 if I had finished matching the socks. I lied and was busted.

3) You build the tallest free-standing structure in the world. What does it look like and what do you call it?
Pyramidal, for structural integrity and I would call it "Inferiority Complex Resolution Tower"

4) If you could switch places with your boss for a day, what would you do first?
Either fire our self-ascribed "General Manager", or sell this place immediately to our master repair tech and retire - IMMEDIATELY.

5) If you were a TV exec/producer, what kind of TV show would YOU make and what would it be called?
A sitcom, of course! A character roughly paralleling me (overweight, overconfident, under-intelligent dads seem to be all the rage nowadays) and expounding on familial and work related conflicts and hyjinx as he goes though his overworked and geek-hobby-filled days. The Title: The Adventures of UberGeek!

6) You are allowed to banish one form of music from the face of the Earth - what would it be (as broad as a genre or as narrow as a specific song)?
Oof. I gave myself a doozey here... Probably Gangsta Rap. Not ALL rap, just the overtly violent, profanity laced, hate spewing type that glorifies drugs, racism and crime while denigrating women and diversity.

7) You are at a Barenaked Ladies concert and they are subject to your every whim. What would you have them do?
Easy - let me up there and do "$1 Million" with them while I sing and strum away on my Ukulele.

8) You are at a porn convention and they are subject to your every wh-- Umm. Better skip this one.
Well then, why didn't you just delete it, dumbass?

9) You are given a cameo in any movie or TV show. Which one and as what character?
Well, probably a Kevin Smith film of the Jersey Anthology. I'd be Brody's loser friend referred to only as "Geekboy". It'd be a bit part at a comic/sci-fi con with some great self-defaming one liners confirming my dorkiness.
And yes, I'd be wearing my home made Greatest American Hero costume.

10) You are given the opportunity to collaborate on one project with your professional idol. What would you create?
I would do a cartoon movie voice-over with Mel Blanc (I didn't say my idol had to be ALIVE). All voices - him and me alone. I would pick his brain for hours for hints on how to improve my voices.

11) George W. Bush has shown up at your house for dinner. You may serve him anything you want, as everything is at your disposal, and he must FINISH anything you serve him. What do you serve?
You probably see this one coming but... I'd serve a big, steaming pile of bull shit, swimming in crude oil gravy. I would find his most feared childhood bully to serve it to him and force him to eat every last greasy smear of it. When he's done, I would have him PAY for the meal at 20 times the cost, give him a swift kick in the ass and say, "Though shit, asshole! You agreed to have me host this shindig and you'll take whatever I give you!"
Ya reap what ya sow.

12) You are approached by aliens to be a representative for the human race. You want to give a fair but honest impression of us. What do you tell them?
Most of us are very well-balnaced people in a very unbalanced society. Unfortunately, I don't think we're forward thinking enough to be ready for you. Come back in a millennium or so. We should be worth talking to by then... If we're still here, that is.

13) What is your dorkiest quality?
I'm sorry, there is just no way I can possibly find where to begin...

14) You are given a $10k gift card to the store of you choice. Which store and what do you spend it on?
Hmm, not enough for a whole new house from Home Depot... Probably Best Buy. I'd use it on computer upgrades, a new Macbook, DVDs and home and car audio stuff. Maybe a Wii for the kids, too.

15) All of society has broken down, the rules you were taught as a child are null and void, and it has become truly 'everyone for themselves'. What do you do? (Wait, this IS supposed to hypothetical, isn't it?)
Grab a bunch of seeds, solar panels, and whatever other supplies I can, take the family to the most remote (yet hospitable) part of Canada, build a cabin, and live off the land.

16) Every hope you had for your children has come true, and by their own desire, decisions, and effort - not your pressure or influence. What are their lives like?
Married with kids (for happiness and fulfillment as well as revenge), financially stable, socially just, active, and aware, professionally fulfilled, and with the ability to bail their parents out of whatever financial hole their father dug recently.
In short, happy, healthy, fulfilled...and able to support their parents would be nice ;)

17) If you could say one honest thing (please, not an overused, trite, or canned platitude) to the leaders of the world, what would it be?
For cryin' out loud! Just STOP IT! YOU - over there! YOU - over there! You ALL need a time-out! No trading, no talking, no fighting until you can all just CALM THE HELL DOWN!

18) Which kind and method of spam/phishing irritates you the most (porn, mortgage, UK lotteries, chain letters, surveys, email, bulletins, bogus friend request, etc.)?
For me, it's a tie between the emails from the lawyer/princess/widow in Africa or the UK who wants me to be his/her financial proxy or the friend requests from profiles with nothing on it but offers for free iPods, Nintendo Wiis, or iPhones.

19) What is the air-speed velocity of...scratch that, too easy. What is the Lone Ranger's NEPHEW'S horse's name?
"Victor, his name is Victor"
"How the hell'd you know that?"
"Everybody knows that."
(Go re-watch "A Christmas Story")

20) List the amenities of your perfect domicile.
2000-2500 sq. ft., 5 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, dining room, laundry room, kitchen with breakfast nook, fireplace, forced air/heat, full finished basement (with a small wet bar), patio or deck, big back yard, 2 car garage.

21) List the make, model and amenities of your perfect vehicle.
2006 BMW Z-4 Roadster 3.0si, Sport package, Monaco blue metallic with a fully automatic dark beige top, power & heated M Sport front seats with driver memory. Only runs about $49k.

22) List the make, model and amenities of your perfect mate.
No need to upgrade here, though the maintenance can be exhausting at times. ;)

23) "Life is like..." Complete the phrase without using 'a bowl of cherries', 'a box of chocolates', or other commonly used simile.
"Life is like a sewer: What you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
Okay, I stole this from Tom Lehrer, but it's not commonly used.

24) Give 2 of your most fervently held belief or philosophies on life.
"With true friends, you can NEVER hit rock bottom."
"It's never too late to reinvent yourself."

25) Aside from the looming specters of health care, the environment, and the war in Iraq, if you were president, what would be your first priority?
Tax equality - no question. Energy companies (Oil, Gas, AND Electric), fair warning - you're next. Prepare to be regulated to HELL.

26) (mandatory missing question - seems they all have at least one. Rant freely here.)
What is the deal with those Taquito things at 7-11?! What the HELL are they? Tacos? Burritos? southwestern corn dogs? They look like a canoli that's been left outside in the sun for a week.

27) What is your favorite color? (Okay, i had to have one bland, milqtoast question in here somewhere)
Blue.

NOW - repost this in 10 seconds or mutant locusts will swarm your house and gnaw at your naughty bits, while flocks of pigeons dive bomb your car and porch, creating a white, smelly, slippery swamp that mere soap cannot remove!

Also your bologna will go bad and someone you love will stub their toe painfully on the leg of the dresser while getting up to use the bathroom tonight.

Coda Honor (version ?) first rehearsal

We had our first rehearsal yesterday. It went well, especially given the obstacles we were facing. I'm fighting a sinus infection, Brad had barely 2 hours rest, the kids were home so we had to rehearse outside in the cold most of the time to avoid distraction, and we got started about 2 ½ hours later than anticipated.

The drawback to this version of the quartet compared to the last is that as we have 2 guys who haven't been in the Society (at least not long), we don't all have several tunes we all already know. The benefit, however, is that as we all either have a lot of barbershopping background OR musical training, so we pick things up pretty quickly. We did a few runs through of my arrangement of Rainbow Connection, and it was recognizable. Most of the chords hit, if not locked, and it sounded quite good for the first time through. We even did a dry run of Baby On Board, which ought to get a chuckle out of the 30something Simpsons fans. Hopefully, we can get another rehearsal in within the next couple weeks and get a few of the tunes we tried out nailed down a bit. By then I should have the song I'm writing specifically for the quartet done and we may be able to try that.

We'll have some roadblocks to get around: Brad's schedule is tight, Dave's gonna need help breaking out of his shell a bit, Lou's gonna need some help with control and some notes, and I'm gonna need to keep my ego and need for control in check. It'll be tricky, but fun. We'll see what happens next rehearsal!

"Coda Honor 1.5?" or "3rd Time’s a Charm"

My barbershop quartet, Coda Honor, has been in a state of flux for the past few months. We haven't gotten together to practice in about 2 months, we haven't had a gig since December…we've basically been floundering. Several factors have contributed to this deflation of an up-and-coming quartet. This is usually the point where a quartet begins to fizzle and die unless drastic steps are taken...

…and taken them, I have. But first some background to the impending metamorphosis…

One of our biggest liabilities (in my opinion) has been the fact that I'm the only member that can sight-sing. Our Lead (and my best friend) Lou can pick up a melody quickly and deliver it with warmth and feeling, but he has to hear it first. He's a quick study with a part tape and can read music just enough for the music to be a help, rather than a hindrance.

Our bass (Floyd) and baritone (Mike), however, cannot read music – at least not well enough for it to help. They need part tapes, and need to review them several times. Without someone nagging them constantly or a weekly rehearsal with someone singing their part in their ear, it doesn't get learned. If they're not extremely excited about the song, it's even worse. This makes adding new songs EXTREMELY difficult.

This has led to us going for about 2 years with the same repertoire of about 14 songs – mostly Polecats (standards every barbershopper knows). The new songs we have added are songs from the Macomb chapter repertoire that Mike and Floyd already know, which has left me rather frustrated.

That, coupled with differing views of where or how the quartet should progress, has made moving forward almost impossible. Floyd doesn't want to compete or perform unless we sound "Goooooood!", which leads to us doing the same 2 songs every time we perform for other barbershoppers ("Heart Of My Heart" and "Coney Island Baby"…ugh). He also wants to constantly work on vowel shapes and other (granted, important) minutia, while we're STILL having problems getting all of the notes right! I'm of the school of thought where you get the notes right, THEN work on technical refinement. All of this, plus the fact that they are in a different chorus and 40-50 minutes away, leads to difficult coordination of rehearsals, and worse, stagnant rehearsals where we simply go over the same songs ad nauseam with little to no progress or retention.

Floyd, likely seeing the writing on the wall, gracefully bowed out a few weeks ago citing a busy schedule. I appreciated that.

Mike was a whole other problem. I've never been good at "break-ups". Telling someone they're not good enough is not something I have ever been good at, thus I put off calling him. Mike called me to wish me a happy birthday and suggest we get together and sing soon. I thanked him profusely, and though I knew it was in poor taste after such a thoughtful gesture, I told him Lou and I were looking for 2 new guys in our chapter and area. He took it very well, and was grateful for the opportunity. He suggested we get together for a polecat or two at the next barbershop function we're all at and we ended on a good note. I felt crass and awful, but it was done. Now, to reform the quartet.

Dave Beamer had just joined our chorus. He seemed a bit quiet and withdrawn, but eager. After talking with our membership chairman, Jack Day, I found out while he works in IT at Compuware, he has a Master's in Vocal Pedagogy! I swooped down like a vulture and asked him to join us before anyone else got to him. Though he sings lead with the chorus, he would be willing to do bass with the quartet. I sang a song or two with him and he sight-sang it down with almost no mistakes. Bingo!

Now, a baritone. Another newbie to the chorus, Dave Kemp, had rejoined the society with our motley crew after being a member for 15 years. I approached him about joining. Another lead, he was reluctant to do bari, but being a trooper, he said he'd be happy to give it a try. After hours upon hours with part tapes and sitting at his keyboard, he just couldn't hear the part. A great lead, but not so much of a bari. He called me up to thank me for the chance, but it would just take him too long to be practical to learn the part.

Damn.

Then, the light bulb turned on. Why not go back to the well?

Brad Miller had been the lead in Coda Honor's 1^st incarnation. I recruited him on lead and Mike Nelson on bari after they came to a chorus show. We formed a quartet for the Corktown Historic Homes Tour along with my old friend Paul Bastian on bass. We sounded great, he sight-sang well, and our gig went beautifully. Being mostly young 20-somethings and downriver guys, after the gig, they got busy and we never got together again.

Now he sings with the Greenfield Village quartet – on BARI! I e-mailed him and said that I wanted to compete and gig. His reply, "I'd love to compete, seeing as I, like any real musician, look for reasons to feed my ego any time I can." You can't get a better fit for this quartet than that.

Now we have 3 guys that can sight-sing, 1 who learns quickly, and all 4 with great ears, complimentary attitudes, and similar goals. Our first rehearsal is this Sunday.

Here's the confusing part: 2 of us are from Coda Honor's 1^st configuration, 2 of us from the 2^nd, and one totally new guy. So which version are we? Coda Honor 3.0? 1.5? 2 ½? 33 1/3?

Aww, who cares!? This is the kind of quartet since I first started singing 4-part harmony. This is a quartet that can go out, wow some audiences, make some money, and do some damage at contests.

This is a quartet that can be GOOD!

Let the games BEGIN!