Wednesday, May 23, 2007

My OWN damned survey!

I posted this in a MySpace bulletin, but didn't answer the questions myself, so, quid pro quo, I shall do so here. I dunno - seemed like a blogworthy thing to do. I've read worse... Paul
Okay, I'm tired of these canned surveys. I'm making one of my own...


1) If you were a soft drink, which would you be?
Mr. Pibb. A bit too sweet and bubbly to appeal to most, interesting and flavorful, but not as pretentious as Dr. Pepper...that smug bastard.

2) When was the first time you remember getting busted for telling a lie?
My mom asked me at age 4 if I had finished matching the socks. I lied and was busted.

3) You build the tallest free-standing structure in the world. What does it look like and what do you call it?
Pyramidal, for structural integrity and I would call it "Inferiority Complex Resolution Tower"

4) If you could switch places with your boss for a day, what would you do first?
Either fire our self-ascribed "General Manager", or sell this place immediately to our master repair tech and retire - IMMEDIATELY.

5) If you were a TV exec/producer, what kind of TV show would YOU make and what would it be called?
A sitcom, of course! A character roughly paralleling me (overweight, overconfident, under-intelligent dads seem to be all the rage nowadays) and expounding on familial and work related conflicts and hyjinx as he goes though his overworked and geek-hobby-filled days. The Title: The Adventures of UberGeek!

6) You are allowed to banish one form of music from the face of the Earth - what would it be (as broad as a genre or as narrow as a specific song)?
Oof. I gave myself a doozey here... Probably Gangsta Rap. Not ALL rap, just the overtly violent, profanity laced, hate spewing type that glorifies drugs, racism and crime while denigrating women and diversity.

7) You are at a Barenaked Ladies concert and they are subject to your every whim. What would you have them do?
Easy - let me up there and do "$1 Million" with them while I sing and strum away on my Ukulele.

8) You are at a porn convention and they are subject to your every wh-- Umm. Better skip this one.
Well then, why didn't you just delete it, dumbass?

9) You are given a cameo in any movie or TV show. Which one and as what character?
Well, probably a Kevin Smith film of the Jersey Anthology. I'd be Brody's loser friend referred to only as "Geekboy". It'd be a bit part at a comic/sci-fi con with some great self-defaming one liners confirming my dorkiness.
And yes, I'd be wearing my home made Greatest American Hero costume.

10) You are given the opportunity to collaborate on one project with your professional idol. What would you create?
I would do a cartoon movie voice-over with Mel Blanc (I didn't say my idol had to be ALIVE). All voices - him and me alone. I would pick his brain for hours for hints on how to improve my voices.

11) George W. Bush has shown up at your house for dinner. You may serve him anything you want, as everything is at your disposal, and he must FINISH anything you serve him. What do you serve?
You probably see this one coming but... I'd serve a big, steaming pile of bull shit, swimming in crude oil gravy. I would find his most feared childhood bully to serve it to him and force him to eat every last greasy smear of it. When he's done, I would have him PAY for the meal at 20 times the cost, give him a swift kick in the ass and say, "Though shit, asshole! You agreed to have me host this shindig and you'll take whatever I give you!"
Ya reap what ya sow.

12) You are approached by aliens to be a representative for the human race. You want to give a fair but honest impression of us. What do you tell them?
Most of us are very well-balnaced people in a very unbalanced society. Unfortunately, I don't think we're forward thinking enough to be ready for you. Come back in a millennium or so. We should be worth talking to by then... If we're still here, that is.

13) What is your dorkiest quality?
I'm sorry, there is just no way I can possibly find where to begin...

14) You are given a $10k gift card to the store of you choice. Which store and what do you spend it on?
Hmm, not enough for a whole new house from Home Depot... Probably Best Buy. I'd use it on computer upgrades, a new Macbook, DVDs and home and car audio stuff. Maybe a Wii for the kids, too.

15) All of society has broken down, the rules you were taught as a child are null and void, and it has become truly 'everyone for themselves'. What do you do? (Wait, this IS supposed to hypothetical, isn't it?)
Grab a bunch of seeds, solar panels, and whatever other supplies I can, take the family to the most remote (yet hospitable) part of Canada, build a cabin, and live off the land.

16) Every hope you had for your children has come true, and by their own desire, decisions, and effort - not your pressure or influence. What are their lives like?
Married with kids (for happiness and fulfillment as well as revenge), financially stable, socially just, active, and aware, professionally fulfilled, and with the ability to bail their parents out of whatever financial hole their father dug recently.
In short, happy, healthy, fulfilled...and able to support their parents would be nice ;)

17) If you could say one honest thing (please, not an overused, trite, or canned platitude) to the leaders of the world, what would it be?
For cryin' out loud! Just STOP IT! YOU - over there! YOU - over there! You ALL need a time-out! No trading, no talking, no fighting until you can all just CALM THE HELL DOWN!

18) Which kind and method of spam/phishing irritates you the most (porn, mortgage, UK lotteries, chain letters, surveys, email, bulletins, bogus friend request, etc.)?
For me, it's a tie between the emails from the lawyer/princess/widow in Africa or the UK who wants me to be his/her financial proxy or the friend requests from profiles with nothing on it but offers for free iPods, Nintendo Wiis, or iPhones.

19) What is the air-speed velocity of...scratch that, too easy. What is the Lone Ranger's NEPHEW'S horse's name?
"Victor, his name is Victor"
"How the hell'd you know that?"
"Everybody knows that."
(Go re-watch "A Christmas Story")

20) List the amenities of your perfect domicile.
2000-2500 sq. ft., 5 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, dining room, laundry room, kitchen with breakfast nook, fireplace, forced air/heat, full finished basement (with a small wet bar), patio or deck, big back yard, 2 car garage.

21) List the make, model and amenities of your perfect vehicle.
2006 BMW Z-4 Roadster 3.0si, Sport package, Monaco blue metallic with a fully automatic dark beige top, power & heated M Sport front seats with driver memory. Only runs about $49k.

22) List the make, model and amenities of your perfect mate.
No need to upgrade here, though the maintenance can be exhausting at times. ;)

23) "Life is like..." Complete the phrase without using 'a bowl of cherries', 'a box of chocolates', or other commonly used simile.
"Life is like a sewer: What you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
Okay, I stole this from Tom Lehrer, but it's not commonly used.

24) Give 2 of your most fervently held belief or philosophies on life.
"With true friends, you can NEVER hit rock bottom."
"It's never too late to reinvent yourself."

25) Aside from the looming specters of health care, the environment, and the war in Iraq, if you were president, what would be your first priority?
Tax equality - no question. Energy companies (Oil, Gas, AND Electric), fair warning - you're next. Prepare to be regulated to HELL.

26) (mandatory missing question - seems they all have at least one. Rant freely here.)
What is the deal with those Taquito things at 7-11?! What the HELL are they? Tacos? Burritos? southwestern corn dogs? They look like a canoli that's been left outside in the sun for a week.

27) What is your favorite color? (Okay, i had to have one bland, milqtoast question in here somewhere)

NOW - repost this in 10 seconds or mutant locusts will swarm your house and gnaw at your naughty bits, while flocks of pigeons dive bomb your car and porch, creating a white, smelly, slippery swamp that mere soap cannot remove!

Also your bologna will go bad and someone you love will stub their toe painfully on the leg of the dresser while getting up to use the bathroom tonight.

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